MAD

Last Thursday, a week ago, I went with Arden and Maya to Arden's Kindergarten orientation. I was excited about going, but it turned out to be...emotional...for me.
Also, I made a few critical mistakes:
First, we were almost late. Unfortunately, we couldn't find any parking, therefore, we were super late and frazzled.
Second, I brought Maya with me. She didn't want to sit still, who can blame her...she's only 18 months old and it's a cafeteria/gym...lots of running space.
Third, I didn't fill out Arden's registration packet and they gave me more stuff...I ran out of hands, between carrying a purse, the old and new packet, and chasing Maya.

It gets better:
As the meeting is ending the teacher/PTA person mentions that the children need to fill out some work sheet to assess them...to see what is their skill level.
WHAT!!!!
Since we've arrived in UT, I've asked Kindergarten teachers and parents, what are the requirements to get into Kindergarten. "Oh, there are no requirements." Was the response I got, over and over.
No, there are no requirements. BUT they failed to mentioned that they still assess your child to see what level they are in. Yes, there are recommended skills the child should have. They don't tell you that. They don't tell you that they need to know how to write their name, numbers, recognize letters, cut with scissors, etc. It's the same things I had asked...that specifically, if they needed to know these things. 'No' was their response. There are not required skills because Utah doesn't have a state mandate pre-k program.
As we walked from table to table, my mood grew darker. I was frustrated. I was frustrated, no, MAD.
I was mad that I brought Maya with me because I couldn't concentrate on helping Arden...I mainly chased her around. Why didn't I set up child care? Stupid me.
I was mad that they were assessing my child!!!
I was mad that I wasn't prepared for this.
Mostly, I was mad at myself.
I felt I had failed him. I felt I had failed as a mother.
What's the point of me staying at home, if I can't even teach my son these basic skills?

It gets uglier:
I'm going to shamefully confess this.
As we went from table to table I started comparing Arden to the other children. Big mistake. Why did I do that? I know better than that.
Of course, I wasn't seeing the positive attributes Arden has. Just the negatives. I was getting frustrated that he wasn't cutting as fast or as neat as the other children. I was frustrated that he choked and didn't answer, when asked about geometric shapes, or when he wrote his name backwards...completely backwards...from right to left NEDRA.
'Great, this kid is totally dyslexic!' I thought to myself.
I even called Newel to see if he was in the neighborhood, so he could help me out. I haven't called him in over 3 years to come home to help me out. He didn't answer the phone.
When we left and got in the car. I was in tears.
I called my mom. I started crying. Telling her how we went to this horrific orientation. How how Abnormal my child was. I complained about everything that was wrong with him. My mom kept assuring me that there was nothing wrong with him.
"No," I said, "I've always known there's something not right with him. He's probably somewhat autistic, mom." I can't believe I said that.
Mom, reassured me, again, that there was nothing wrong with him. She said if there was anything different about him is his tenderness. He's so sweet and loves people so easily. I couldn't argue with that. It's true.
Later, I called Newel and complained to him, too. He said, 'he is what he is, and if there is something wrong with him, we just have to accept it.'
Still, I left Newel feeling a bit worried, and as soon as he got home he tested Arden on numbers, letters, etc. "There's nothing wrong with him. When I was in school they wanted to place me in remedial classes because I couldn't cut and glue. And see, I turned out fine...as far as bad handwriting...who cares."
At that time, I didn't know what I was feeling. I was trying to gather my thoughts and trying to understand why I felt that way. I've had time to process all of this, and what I've written (above) are some of the feelings I can put into words.
I've also had time to analyze some of Arden's behavior. There was way too much noise and too much distraction in that room. He doesn't do well when it's too noisy or too many people. It was a new place and we were late. That was my mistake.
Then, I thought about him writing his name backwards. He knew he had a name tag, so he looked down to see his name and wrote it, exactly what it looks like, if you're reading something upside down and backwards...looking back, that was pretty impressive. I can't do that.
I know Arden is an amazing little guy. He surprises me of all the knowledge he has. He's not about writing or cutting. He sees things in a 'whole nother level." That stuff is too boring for him. He wants to learn about bacteria, science, how things work, why they work.

So, I'm still upset about these people assessing my child, at the beginning and the end of the school year, they are going to 'assess' him again. What a bunch of bullcrap! They are just focused in teaching the requirements the state has implemented, so students can score better. They don't focus on the million other things Arden or another child knows and can do. As for myself, I need to stop it. Stop comparing. Focus on the positive and embrace each of my children's uniqueness.

Newel and I came up with a plan.

We're doing Kindergarten Practice. I read to Arden during the day (we've always done that), but I try to ask more questions, and we try to do more 'cutting' and coloring activities.
After dinner, Newel practices writing with Arden...numbers and writing his name, not backwards or upside down.
There, I am done.